i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
