You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
