He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
