I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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