I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
