I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
