Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
