I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
