you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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