I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
