is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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