Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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