So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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