I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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