I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
