yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
