and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have aggressive nipples.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
