Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
