my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
