All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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