All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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