Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
