I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
