I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
