So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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