The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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