I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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