Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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