My friends, they love my intelligence
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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