Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
