but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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