My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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