Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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