i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
