Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
