And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize