I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
