had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
