you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry my hands just texted you
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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