I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
