I got chris browned last night
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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