I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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