I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
