I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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