I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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