there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
