I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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