so that wasnt chicken after all
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
