i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
