We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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