I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
