I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
