Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize